MEN – the Ambuja Cement?

Dr. Brene Brown is a research professor, TedX speaker and has many more feathers in her cap. I am reading her book Daring Greatly and it’s definitely worth a read.

Few things from her book hit me and I would like to share it.

So, let’s get started with this dailog from 3 Idiots, I guess,we all are familiar with, ‘ agar naukri nhi hogi , koi baap apni ladki nhi dega, samaaj ijzat nhi krega…..’and it goes on.

So, Men are basically the Ambuja cement of the society. Men need to stop feeling, start earning, put everyone in their place, and climb their way to the top or die trying. Been there, done that?

Yeah, so rule for the men is- ‘ Don’t be weak.

Let’s just jot down the points :

  • Men can’t be soft, emotional
  • Men can’t be sensitive
  • Men can’t reveal their weakness
  • Men can’t be wrong
  • Men can’t be afraid

And the list goes on…

Consider this story…

A man lost his job. His father knew , his closest friends knew, but his wife didn’t. Every single day, he would get dressed , leave the house like he was going to work.

Was this  male ego, which made him pretend in such a manner or Was it an utter matter of shame for him, that he was unemployed now?

‘ She doesn’t want to know. If she already knows, she wants me to keep pretending.’ He answered.

 

‘Knowing would change the way she feels about me. She didn’t sign up for this’, he continued.

Now, here’s a painful pattern that Dr. Brene Brown observed.

Girls tell boys to  open up, share their feelings. Girls beg the boys to let them in and plead them to tell when they are afraid, but the truth is most girls/ women can’t stomach it.

Somehow, if the boy tries to open up, girls are like, ‘ Common! Pull it together. Man up.’

As men very well know and understand, what women want. Men get really good at pretending ( Men, thereby go with the ‘Mard ko dard nhi hota’ philosphy).

The second major thing is, if men ever feel that they are unable to do justice to the so called rule that, ‘ Men are never weak ‘, they choose one of the following responses.

For instance, if a girl compares her boy to someone rich, then the boy will feel the rush of inadequacy and smallness. Either he will respond with anger or will completely shut himself down.

So most of the times, girls tend to witness the dominanting and harsh side of men.

It’s a circle that we all are trapped in. Girls want boys to share their true self, but can’t really accept the weak side of boys. And if a girl points out the weakness, the boys either lose their cool or they turn off.

We all are at fault somewhere. But things could work out , if we are just a bit more aware of our actions.

Dr. Brown says the key to her relationship is vulnerability ( the quality of being exposed) , love, humor, respect, shame-free fighting and blame free living.

As, they say, it’s so much easier to be real when we know we are loved.

Love to all…!

Thanks for reading.

Will be sharing about girls next time.

 

 

 

You will see clearly Someday !

I was having a very lousy day. Anyone, who would have seen me that day would have surely said, ‘ What’s wrong?’ It was similar to a scene of a movie, where the protagonist is so sad and is blindly staring into the nothingness out of the window. I was even deprived of the luxury of a window, I was in an auto. The cold air had made my pain more real. Yeah, the protagonist was in pain. I was in pain. And was literally too terrified to even look at the situation which had landed me in such a horrible state.
Dr.Wayne Dyer has said that whatever is happening in your life, each of your actions and its result has some meaning, which you will learn someday.  Steve Jobs talked about connecting the dots. I get all this. But what about the emotions that you go through such as fear, shame, guilt etc… I mean, these things are excruciating. And they push a person to a point, where a person sees nothing and no longer wishes to live.
But then Dr. Brene Brown, the researcher comes into picture. She says, ‘Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the power of our light.’ Read it again, it says ‘the power of our light’.
The dark phase is unbearable. Certainly, it is. However, things for me were not same in that phase. I was having those intense moments, where, I was thinking differently, I was present in the moment, I felt every single sensation in my body, I was feeling a different connection with the universe. I was just cut off from the daily routine. Pain was changing my course. Pain was there, but the connection I felt then was inexplicable. It was bringing me closer to the ‘Power of my Light’.
You just need to surrender yourself. You just need to bow down, and accept it all.
As one of my favorites, Oprah Winfrey, puts it out beautifully, ‘The greatest blessing of being broken open is that you understand that no experience, nothing that happens to you is wasted. Challenges are just a way of moving you forward in another direction. Learning to live from this place of gratitude helps you see past the pain until you reach a state of grace you never even imagined.’

And you will see someday, that it was all for ‘the state of grace’.
Cheers to whatever ‘Life’ offers us…!!!

The new story.

She shares the same story many times, perhaps she knows that I have a memory like a sieve. But this story was unlike anything I had heard before. It was a new story. But my sensory neurons took some seconds to deliver this message to my brain, as my eyes and ears were engrossed in watching the mobile screen. No sooner my brain had got the message than I put my phone down and started to pay full attention.

The story dates back to the time, when she was 14. A boy from her family circle had visited her house quite unexpectedly and she was quite mad at this. And suddenly out of the blue, she was asked to tie the goat in the verandah outside where he was sitting. She did what was asked.

Soon, the news broke in the house that boy had said, ‘ Theek hai Ji’. The boy had said a ‘ Yes ‘.

Now in 2017, I am 23 and she is 67. So, my immediate question was ‘ How did you feel? Were you happy? ‘

‘ At the tender age of 14, you don’t feel anything, you just do  what’s next out there. ‘ she replied to me.

Just moments before she had narrated the story, we were discussing about arranged marriages. And my take on it was, that you just can’t marry a person without knowing him/ her.

‘ No matter how much you know the person, but living with him/ her is an altogether different thing’, she replied.

I could have brought up the concept of ‘Live- in’, but here was my grandmother whom I was talking to.

Though she is quite receptive to the new ways of living, yet ‘Live-in’ wouldn’t have been an easy one to digest for her.

She didn’t know a tad bit about her man before marriage , yet their bond lasted for 50+ years. Love was immense, care and affection was limitless. I had been a witness to the beautiful bond they shared.

I guess , we all have been witnesses to such amazing bonds of love of both arranged and love marriages.

But the critical question of 2017 is, If I pass by the boy to tie the goat out there in the verandah, will he say a ‘ Yes ‘?