Suffering

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I learnt about your likes
presumed ,calculated and figured your dislikes
I quietly gathered all the things in me
that weren’t of your taste
And concealed them in a catacomb
built in the darkest corner
of my heart
Slowly as things started flowing
I started drowning in
the uncomfortableness of my skin
insecurities of my mind
and restlessness of my soul
Unbeknownst, I had buried the very essence of being me
I still shudder, shiver and tremble on
How not you but I was accountable
for my sufferings.

 

Broken Open

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At the vista of the future,

it doesn’t matter

if you brought opulent sunshine

or  threw me in penury

if you shared your flowers

or gifted me your thorns

if you sent me missive of stars

or silence of darkness

if you venerated

or affronted me

if you had an edge

or I took the lead

The significance of our kinship is

it broke me open

unravelled me

and brought me closer

to what I had to become.

Grief in my friend’s smile

His presence

brought her to see the city unknown

His charm

made her twirl on the beats of his heart

His eyes

captivated her happiness

His smile

appeased her restlessness

His talks

echoed in her silence

His love

infested her heart

She was ignorant to the perspicuous

And, we, her friends, could sense his conspicuous perfidiousness

Years have passed,

Our meetings are nothing but a seance

where we try to contact the dead

‘liveliness’ of our friend

Hope is all we got. Hope.

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When I met her, she was the most chirpy person, who lived and cared  deeply. She lost herself in a relation. She gave away too much and drifted away from herself. She is fine now. But every time she smiles, I feel her concealed grief and that breaks my heart. I just hope she sees the abundant love in and around her and this realisation would be her salvation.

 

 

 

 

When trees sway !

It had been a long and daunting task to reach home this time. I was stuck in a mess at a place 155 miles away from my home. The mess was of a meeting that wasn’t happening. I so wanted to wrap it up and head back home not only because it had been two weeks already since I had left home (yes, my home sickness starts within 2 weeks of leaving my home), but also because of the terrible allergy that I had got at that place.

My whole body had become a play ground for the rashes. The medicines weren’t helping either. I just knew that when I will get back home, the allergy will leave me. There were no two ways about it. But, this dreaded meeting was getting postponed again and again due to some unprecedented reasons.

But then one blissful day  the mess of the meeting cleared and I got back in my city beautiful ( Chandigarh, the city I was born in, is actually given the name of City Beautiful ), the fresh and cool breeze, was just what I was looking for.

 

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The City Beautiful- Chandigarh, India

 

I was brimming with excitement  to see those trees yet again. My eyes widened, just like the child who has got his lost toy back, when I saw those trees waving at me.

Yes, I had concocted a story as a child that when trees sway in the breeze, they are saying a ‘Hi’ to me. So, yes I would wave back at them albeit not publically.

In Chandigarh, there are trees along the roadsides, and they all were waving at me. It was like, they were welcoming me back.

 

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Trees on Chandigarh roads

 

I never knew such stories concocted as a child,would give me so much joy.

I got off the bus, collected my luggage, and took out my phone to check the taxi updates, while sitting in the bus only I had  booked my taxi to avoid any time lapse. I called the driver, he had reached at the destination, I rushed to towards the taxi spot, adjusting my three bags, transferring the weight from one hand to the other after every few steps I walked.

Before I could see the taxi, the driver identified me and waved at me. He helped me with my bags and then I began on yet another short journey of 30 minutes, but this time it was my city.

The emotions were inexplicable. I was looking out of the window as if I was looking at something new yet familiar for the first time. I was literally smiling.

There were emotions of this subtle victory. It was like a new layer of confidendence had enveloped me. And now I know that when you come back, you come back with new experiences. You know that you survived in the alien land. You know that you not only began your journey there but also sustained it. You managed things on your own there without much support.

Perhaps, when we come back, we are not the same, we always return wiser.

So, the happiness was not just on the surface, my soul was rejoicing.

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As we waited on the traffic signals, I looked outside not in a manner that I was a part of it, but as an observer. I was observing my city. Yes, my city. Just like a father silently observes his kids playing, and smiles in gratitude and also wonders what has he done to get such bundles of joy. I had become that  father in that moment , even though technically the city has raised me.

It was a fabulous feeling of stillness amongst the racing emotions.

I continued my observation outside the window. After all the city was welcoming me back. I know it missed me as much as I did.

It is always pure bliss to come back to your roots. Home is Love afterall. 

I called my mom, luckily she had an off that day and straightaway said,’ Mom, I will reach within few minutes, I am very hungry, make me something nice.’ I am not a dainty eater, but this time I wanted to make demands. She replied, ‘ We are already ready with your favorite food.’

Ahaa..! What else I could have asked for?

I looked out of the window feeling even more ecsatic and joyful now.

P.S. The allergy left me within hours of reaching my city.

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Thanks for reading.

 

 

Celebrate who you are !

Just have a look at the screenshot below :

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How did you find it? Seeing the above image people have myriads of opinions and suggestions. Some like it and some don’t. Yet in the vortex of appreciation and criticism, the young Canadian singer and songwriter, Justin Bieber’s caption, is already, ready with the answer to one and all. He loves his tattoos, he knows the hard work that has gone into it, and in all, he somehow manages to say, that whatever anyone has to say, he is least bothered. ( I wouldn’t take back a single one, he says.)

People have on their bodies something that is significant and dear to them and really matters to them a lot. The Tattoo could be of :

– a person,a symbol of faith, some adage

– a beautiful memory, an accomplishment, a moment they wish to relish always

-their goals and dreams, their vision and even something symbolising the pain and the rebellion.

A person gets inked to express who he is, in the way that he knows the best.

It’s an expression. It’s an art. It’s creativity.

Every tattoo has a meaning for his owner.

Yet, things are not always taken in the good light. People spew harsh words at times seeing such art forms on the body.

Similarly one of my friends, wanted to have an ear piercing, conch peircing to be precise.

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What she wanted to be and how she wanted to look, was the talk of the house. No one opposed her decision, yet none was happy.

‘ I don’t think it’s appropriate. Wouldn’t it be too gaudy for the normalcy? Are you here to study or for such things?’ , were the general remarks of her people.

Having opinions is one thing and targeting the character of the person, for such personal choices is another.

It’s weird and hysterical that people even want the expression and the creativity to be in defined boundaries.

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The above image is a testimony to the fact that few people even categorise Expression and Creativity as decent and not so decent and hurl venomous remarks that may take quite a long time to fade away.

I guess definition of ‘Expression’ at its pinnacle is Lady Gaga in her designed outfits.

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Lady Gaga in her Blood Red Dress at MTV Video Music Awards 2009

Lady Gaga, is an American singer, known for her unconventional and provocative work. She downright admits that she is bossy and she can go to any length to pull off the show of her dreams, and she adds that her creative expression ( her music, her outfits) is all she got.

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Lady Gaga at 52nd Annual Grammy Awards

All her ways of expressing herself may look crazy, may seem insane, but still she manages to shake or at least tingle something in people.

She shows what it means to be free. We  manage to see her free spirit through her work and her personality, which inspires us to become the same.

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I know, we don’t want to be the next Lady Gaga, but somewhere we seek to have her vulnerability and her courage.

Isn’t it empowering to see someone crossing the defined border lines of normalcy? Just being able to see such form of expression, shifts something in people, that makes them confident about their own work and art.

Lady Gaga believes in her work, no matter how absurd it is for others, and this is what she teaches us through her work, to break the invisible shackles that are holding us back to normalcy and mediocrity. (Sometimes, I wonder who decides what is normal and what isn’t.) Here, I am not saying to have over the top, exaggerated version of yourself ( But go for it, if that’s your calling). Just believe in your work, what you really want to do and go for it. Don’t wear masks and be pretentious to be in the good books of others. Had Lady Gaga done that, we wouldn’t have been talking about her here. She would just have been another shadow of the society.

 

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Break Free

 

Oprah Winfrey, one of the most influential and admired public figures who have entertained, enlightened amd uplifted millions of viewers, also admires Lady Gaga.

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Lady Gaga with Oprah Winfrey on the sets of ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’ in 2010

Oprah says, ‘I have deep appreciation and respect for not only what she does but for who she is. ‘

She further adds,

‘Her real gift is when we see her, we can see ourselves in her.

When you watch her, you can see your own personal ways of expressing yourself or lack of ability to express yourself could be manifested through her.’

The message Lady Gaga has for people, is just the right thing to hear any day, it’s simple yet profound,

‘ I want them to be proud of who they are, and I want them to celebrate all the things that they don’t like about themselves, the way that I did. ‘

Yes. Yes. This is it. Celebrate yourself, your individuality in the ways you want to. Be free.

My first response , when someone says , ‘Be free’, is, ‘What or who is holding me back? I am already free.’

Yes, I think I am free. I make my own decisions, I have my own plans, more often than not I follow my heart.

Yet, in those particular situations, in those specific moments, that come every now and then, there comes a lesson which says,’ Whom am I trying to fool? I am not really free.’ I am not free of the judgements that I and others inflict upon me ( because they affect me). I am not free of  self sabotaging thoughts. I am not free of  self-criticism. I haven’t freed myself enough to say a ‘No’, without explaining my ‘No’.

This question might help few of us, ‘What is it, that in some moments, you feel upset, frustrated and stressed out about?’ Stop reading for a few moments. Just think.

Got the answer? If ‘No’, continue reading. If yes, dig a little deeper, there is a chance, you may find something that you want to set yourself free of.

Yes, right there. You need to set yourself free of it, the inhibitions, the fears, the patterns, the habits that are ingrained in your system that prevent you from freely expressing yourself. But wait, more often than not it isn’t an instantaneous process rather it’s a continuous and gradual process.

Just like, it takes many sittings to cure the dental problems. ( Yeah, I have been going to my dentist lately, so this eccentric example ). Similarly, Freeing yourself will also take some time and patience from your end.It will require effort as well, as you might feel that you are doing something wrong in the beginning, because our conditioning has always been to be a part of the herd. (Let’s leave it for another day and blog).

So, yeah, express yourself through your choices(even your tattoos, your piercings, your outfits)your art, your creativity without any inhibitions. It is who you are.

In the end, it all comes down to,

‘ You need to be more of yourself ‘.

And to all, let’s help all to be more of themselves by not being judgemental and by using kind words.

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Thanks for reading !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did he or she just reject me ?

 

Few days back, my Mom and I went to Golden Temple, located in Amritsar, Punjab, India. It is one of the most revered sites for Sikhs and over a lakh people visit it daily.

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Golden Temple, Amritsar

Golden Temple has four entrances, depicting the openness towards all people and has a free community kitchen that serves all regardless of any distinction. You will see people from all walks of life there being treated equally. All have to sit on the floor to have to have the meal (langar).

All are equal.

( So why you will be ever rejected? )

On our way back from Amritsar, we had our seats behind a modern young teen couple in the bus. In most part of their journey, they wore their funky glares, and clicked selfies. They were so cute.

Anyway, my mom found the girl very beautiful. When I saw the girl, I found her just normal. When the bus stopped, mom again pointed that how beautiful were her eyes, and I reluctantly said a ‘yes’.

Also, I never really get the fixation people have with eyes. I don’t really see eyes showing any emotions, but I have had  quite a few people in my life who have tried to explain to me how eyes speak more than the words that come from the mouth or to say the least convey hidden emotions, but again their words fall on my deaf years, as I haven’t experienced much of it, so I can’t really relate to it. However, I really don’t deny the special traits of the eyes  that help us not only  in seeing but also projecting the emotions, as many poets and shayars, have spoken about them, written amazing songs on them, so something like this perhaps would exist.

So, coming back to the story, the girl was beautiful not for me but for my mom. I found her just normal.

So did I just reject the girl ?

Beauty is such a personal choice and perspective , not only in terms of physical aspects but also in terms of the internal aspects.

That is why, some people will like ,accept and appreciate the way you are and others might not.

Not every one will see you as a jar of nutella.
Not being beautiful in eyes of someone else will only hurt you, if you have not really liked, accepted and appreciated the way you are.

If you are a person made out of self love, you would be Ok, even if others say you are ‘Ugly’.

And here is why you will feel ‘ Ok ‘,

The elixir is that the definition of beauty varies from person to person. Not being seen as beautiful by someone doesn’t make you any less beautiful.

Just like my mom found the girl to be gorgeous, however for me she was just the simple girl next door. Our perceptions of beauty were different, and the point is if my mom’s and my opinion about her beauty internal or external were shared with the girl, the girl should have remained unperturbed, because it’s just a perception.

Anything that is created by the higher power, in no way is less.

So, how could the girl be any less.

This brings to me the arranged marriage system of the Indian society, especially, the middle class, where people assume that they have a right to choose and reject somebody. Things have changed with modern times, but still I see some cases here and there where things turn up somewhat bad for the girl or the boy’s self esteem if they don’t happen to be the chosen ones. Hysterical.Weird.;! How can someone even think that they have the right to reject other person?

So does this rejection actually happen or we take things in the wrong way??

Most of the times, people actually feel dejected after their rejection  at the so called arranged marriage proposal or you talk about any rejection in relation general.

First of all, the right thing to say is that there is no thing as rejection in a marriage proposal or in a relationship proposal. The only thing is matching. The match was not the right one.

What we need to be aware of is that one is not being rejected or marked with a lifetime tag of undesirable.

It’s just that the definition of beauty, whatever it may be physical, internal, materialistic, of both the parties didn’t match.

Yes.Yes. Yes. This is it. Stop putting the unnecessary burden on yourself of your inadequacy.

I have seen people crying themselves to sleep, just because of this, what they think is their rejection.

It’s only that the definition of beauty of you and the other person,didn’t match. You don’t have to believe that anything was less in you.

Let me say the main point, again , so that whoever needs it( we all need it at some point ), can absorb it fully. ‘ The definition of beauty of both the parties didn’t match. The way the other sees beauty and the way you see beauty is different. It wasn’t something you both were looking for.’
Not being taken after the arranged marriage meeting, doesn’t make you worth less. It’s only the perception difference.

It’s a all a game of perceptions, I may or may not perceive you beautiful and my perception however, good or bad it may be, shouldn’t have the power to  make  your belief in yourself any less.
Something as fickle as a perception, shouldn’t be able to shake your belief.
Self love is the key that fits in all the locks.

Self love is a daily practice. It is about being aware of how many times one puts oneself down, has self sabotaging thoughts and affirming the thoughts of self love in those very moments.

It’s about learning to give yourself the unconditional love that you seek from others. Yes, love yourself. We all need love and it is all within you. You need not go searching out somewhere. Practice love every single moment. Your world will change for the better, if you just love yourself, you deserve it totally and unconditionally.

You are always beautiful and what others say is just a perception, which will mostly keep on changing.

You can never be rejected. You are pure love, only if you feel that way.

We were all created by the most powerful, how can we be anything less than whole.

We are all accepted only if we accept ourselves.

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Thank you for dropping by !And good luck for your journey of Self Love.We are all walking different paths but our paths might cross somewhere. See you there !