Did he or she just reject me ?

 

Few days back, my Mom and I went to Golden Temple, located in Amritsar, Punjab, India. It is one of the most revered sites for Sikhs and over a lakh people visit it daily.

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Golden Temple, Amritsar

Golden Temple has four entrances, depicting the openness towards all people and has a free community kitchen that serves all regardless of any distinction. You will see people from all walks of life there being treated equally. All have to sit on the floor to have to have the meal (langar).

All are equal.

( So why you will be ever rejected? )

On our way back from Amritsar, we had our seats behind a modern young teen couple in the bus. In most part of their journey, they wore their funky glares, and clicked selfies. They were so cute.

Anyway, my mom found the girl very beautiful. When I saw the girl, I found her just normal. When the bus stopped, mom again pointed that how beautiful were her eyes, and I reluctantly said a ‘yes’.

Also, I never really get the fixation people have with eyes. I don’t really see eyes showing any emotions, but I have had  quite a few people in my life who have tried to explain to me how eyes speak more than the words that come from the mouth or to say the least convey hidden emotions, but again their words fall on my deaf years, as I haven’t experienced much of it, so I can’t really relate to it. However, I really don’t deny the special traits of the eyes  that help us not only  in seeing but also projecting the emotions, as many poets and shayars, have spoken about them, written amazing songs on them, so something like this perhaps would exist.

So, coming back to the story, the girl was beautiful not for me but for my mom. I found her just normal.

So did I just reject the girl ?

Beauty is such a personal choice and perspective , not only in terms of physical aspects but also in terms of the internal aspects.

That is why, some people will like ,accept and appreciate the way you are and others might not.

Not every one will see you as a jar of nutella.
Not being beautiful in eyes of someone else will only hurt you, if you have not really liked, accepted and appreciated the way you are.

If you are a person made out of self love, you would be Ok, even if others say you are ‘Ugly’.

And here is why you will feel ‘ Ok ‘,

The elixir is that the definition of beauty varies from person to person. Not being seen as beautiful by someone doesn’t make you any less beautiful.

Just like my mom found the girl to be gorgeous, however for me she was just the simple girl next door. Our perceptions of beauty were different, and the point is if my mom’s and my opinion about her beauty internal or external were shared with the girl, the girl should have remained unperturbed, because it’s just a perception.

Anything that is created by the higher power, in no way is less.

So, how could the girl be any less.

This brings to me the arranged marriage system of the Indian society, especially, the middle class, where people assume that they have a right to choose and reject somebody. Things have changed with modern times, but still I see some cases here and there where things turn up somewhat bad for the girl or the boy’s self esteem if they don’t happen to be the chosen ones. Hysterical.Weird.;! How can someone even think that they have the right to reject other person?

So does this rejection actually happen or we take things in the wrong way??

Most of the times, people actually feel dejected after their rejection  at the so called arranged marriage proposal or you talk about any rejection in relation general.

First of all, the right thing to say is that there is no thing as rejection in a marriage proposal or in a relationship proposal. The only thing is matching. The match was not the right one.

What we need to be aware of is that one is not being rejected or marked with a lifetime tag of undesirable.

It’s just that the definition of beauty, whatever it may be physical, internal, materialistic, of both the parties didn’t match.

Yes.Yes. Yes. This is it. Stop putting the unnecessary burden on yourself of your inadequacy.

I have seen people crying themselves to sleep, just because of this, what they think is their rejection.

It’s only that the definition of beauty of you and the other person,didn’t match. You don’t have to believe that anything was less in you.

Let me say the main point, again , so that whoever needs it( we all need it at some point ), can absorb it fully. ‘ The definition of beauty of both the parties didn’t match. The way the other sees beauty and the way you see beauty is different. It wasn’t something you both were looking for.’
Not being taken after the arranged marriage meeting, doesn’t make you worth less. It’s only the perception difference.

It’s a all a game of perceptions, I may or may not perceive you beautiful and my perception however, good or bad it may be, shouldn’t have the power to  make  your belief in yourself any less.
Something as fickle as a perception, shouldn’t be able to shake your belief.
Self love is the key that fits in all the locks.

Self love is a daily practice. It is about being aware of how many times one puts oneself down, has self sabotaging thoughts and affirming the thoughts of self love in those very moments.

It’s about learning to give yourself the unconditional love that you seek from others. Yes, love yourself. We all need love and it is all within you. You need not go searching out somewhere. Practice love every single moment. Your world will change for the better, if you just love yourself, you deserve it totally and unconditionally.

You are always beautiful and what others say is just a perception, which will mostly keep on changing.

You can never be rejected. You are pure love, only if you feel that way.

We were all created by the most powerful, how can we be anything less than whole.

We are all accepted only if we accept ourselves.

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Thank you for dropping by !And good luck for your journey of Self Love.We are all walking different paths but our paths might cross somewhere. See you there !

 

 

Girl who could not fall in Love

If you are reading this, let me guess, either you have been intrigued by the title or you are just reading because you saw the word ‘Love’.

Of course, anything that has life seeks love and is love itself. So, are you.

Yes, the very essence of your being is love. Yet, only few of us have found it.

Most of my life, I used to feel bad because I didn’t interact much. But now I know that I am an introvert and it’s my nature, so I have learnt to embrace myself.

I know it’s Ok to be quiet and I no longer force myself to be a part of a discussion unlike earlier times.

Now, when I know about me better , I do better.

Just like Maya Angelou said once,

‘ When you know better, you do better.’

So, the thing I am writing  here is all about bringing awareness, so that we know better and then do better.

We all love certainty. Don’t we? We hate not knowing what will be the outcome.

How many of us are scared to express our feelings just because we might be disappointed by the response or will be left feeling hurt or maybe even feel guilty and shameful of having done that later on?

I guess the number will be more than what could be counted on the fingers.

So, the first thing that we can all be aware of is that to express or confess your feelings first is an act of courage, which one shouldn’t refrain from. Perhaps such acts should be appreciated by one and all.

 

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Expressing  feelings

 

Saying ‘ I Love You’ first is a brave move.

Because you know there is an emotional risk of getting hurt and never having those feelings reciprocated.

By being the first one to confess love, you are not being desperate or putting yourself down or losing the battle of love or saying to the other person that you are needy of love.

You are just expressing your appreciation and letting them know the value they have in your life.

And trust me it’s a very brave move, especially in this era, where ego comes into play a lot.

So, is there any way of not facing the risk of getting hurt?

A big ‘ No ‘.

There will always be some risk.

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And if you are trying not to take the risk that is if you try to shut yourself down and try to escape fear, by not expressing yourself, then you will never be able to experience joy, happiness and love fully.

Because joy, happiness, fear, guilt, shame, love all originate from the same place and if you try to block fear, you will block happiness and joy as well.

So, in order to truly express, you will have to take the risk, you will have to be vulnerable, you will have to be open to hurt because there is no other way of fully feeling Love , Joy, Happiness and many more good things.

 

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Isn’t this worth taking a risk?

 

Apply this on any of your life situations and you will know how it works.

So, to summarise this, I would like to use these words of gem by Dr. Brene Brown from the book ‘ Daring Greatly ‘.

Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it’s scary and yes, we are open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?

So,

# Awareness 1

It’s a brave move to take the risk of expressing oneself first and the only way to experience pure joy.

Now, you must have heard the famous line,

” Pyaar kiya nhi jata, pyaar ho jata h “

‘You don’t intend to fall in love, it just happens’

And all those who are in Love would definitely agree with this.

The girl mentioned  in the title also believed in this.

But then she couldn’t fall in love so what went wrong?

She was born in the 90’s and  had grown up  believing in the ‘Love’ shown in bollywood movies such as Dil toh pagal hai, DDLJ , just to name a few. She was a die hard romantic, at least what she believed herself to be.

So far everything was good in her life until she got a proposal. A proposal worth considering.

But much to her surprise, she found herself choking. She felt uneasy and uncomfortable.

She couldn’t fathom that what was stopping her from saying a ‘Yes’ to the proposal .

Unable to handle her eccentric behaviour ,she decided to say a ‘No’.

A year down the line, she got another proposal. Again, she felt a shiver down the spine and was again going restless, but as the proposal was decent, this time she decided to ignore her anxiety and said a ‘Yes’.

Two months into the relation and she felt drained of all her energy.

She was not at all her own self in the relation. Every time through her actions, she was trying to prove herself worthy of her partner’s affection.

She would go out of the way to do things for her partner and this would leave her exhausted. Even though not once had her partner asked or expected her to be somebody else than her own self.

But she had become someone else, it was all becoming a pretense and unable to take  the myriads of emotions of anger, disgust and frustration that she felt, she finally ended her relation.

Surely, it hurt, but at least she could breathe now.

One year down the line, while driving, she got the answer.

The reason she choked on the thought of someone loving her was because

She hadn’t loved herself yet.

Yes, she hadn’t.

She didn’t consider herself worthy of love she was getting.

She doubted if she deserved love.

As she hadn’t embraced herself yet, it surprised her how could someone else.

So she would go out of the way to prove that she deserved the love.

And this was the reason behind all her exhaustion.

More often than not, things don’t work out , just because you start becoming someone else, you start changing yourself, not because you want to be better, but because you want to prove something to your partner.

You feel that you are less in some way and that you are not enough. You start wearing masks and you lose not only your self but your relation as well.

Just because, you don’t Love yourself fully.

# Awareness 2

Loving oneself is the most important thing (in a relation).

To sum it up, lines from the song ‘Dhunki ‘

‘ Karle khud se he pyaar bandeya

Hai jahan Ki tujh ko khabar

Khud se hai pr Tu bekhabar

Lai le apni v saar bandeya ‘

‘You know about the world, but not about yourself

Fall in love with yourself, find the meaning of your existence’

Thanks for reading !

And I will be happy to hear your views on this.

References:

  • Dr. Brene Brown, ‘Daring Greatly’
  • Anita Moorjani’s video